I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and I have come to realize that sometime admitting to pain and hurt and saying it out loud helps you finally move forward and really start fresh.  This song has said so many things that I have had to deal with.  I was married to a man for almost 10 years and some days were good, but alot of days were bad.  We had our ups and downs like most married people, but Dan's downs were aw full.  But I had the 2 most wonder full children because of this man, and I have learned alot from what I have had to deal with.

I have a past I cant change I can only change the future.  I have blamed myself for way to long, what happened is not my fault.  Like the song says all the faces are different but they're always the same, they will never allow me to change.  I realized I needed to change who I hung out with so I could change.  And I had to sell my house cause me and my kids just didn't belong there anymore.  Its a hard thing to do...walk away from 10 years of memories.  So many firsts there: first baby, first steps, first birthdays.  I am a strong person and I deserve a fresh start.  I am going to school!

One of the things that really scared me after Dan died was the fact that I felt inadequate and uneducated.  I worked at Albertsons for 10 years ...when I left I was the night grocery manager.  Now I work as an optician where I have been for 5 years...yes I know I have only had 2 jobs...that's longevity for ya....once I start something I stick with it.

And then closing the book and finally moving forward for me means forgiving Dan.  I have had so much anger and hurt towards him it has consumed my life in ways I dint even understand.  I am sorry that things ended the way they did and I hope one day I can get that sound of the gun shot out of my head...I pray for that every night.  I don't understand why he kept me on the phone and probably wont understand in this lifetime.  I am going to have his temple work done for him...he will be getting the priesthood and his endowments taken out on his behalf soon.  As angry as I have been even Dan I feel deserves a second chance and it's not for me to judge.  It's for me to forgive and move forward.  That being said Here's to 2011 and my "Moving ON"

December...What a GREAT end to 2010

Ok so first let me start by saying this December has been such an emotional roller coaster...sad and happy, crying at the drop of a hat....poor Mark got the brunt of it, but I guess that is what makes your relationship stronger.  I am so glad to have him in my life to talk me down when I am having a hard time.  I think it was hard cause while I was really happy that my house sold it was the first time in twelve years i didnt have a home.  My parents house does feel like home it is just different, but I am much better now.
The month started with the visit from Mark.  We got to do alot of awesome things:  go to Pats BBq, go to a Jazz game, our parents met and lots of visiting with other family.  I was proud of myself: I didnt cry until after I dropped him off at the airport.  I think now by saying see you soon instead of goodbye makes a difference.
Then we have the big one:  The house sold and closed!!! YEA!!!!  Ok so then we had Christmas...it was alot of fun...I did "date" night with the girls each  individually and then they got to shop for eachother seeing how excited they were to get something special for eachother was priceless...such good kids!!!  They woke up at 5:30 this year...earliest so far for them but it was a GREAT day!!!  Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!!!!

Thanksgiving

Well Thanksgiving was so much fun this year!!!  Me and my mom and the girls headed out after work on Monday after I got off work around one.  We made such good time we drove straight through.  That Wednesday Jackie, Jay, me and all the kids headed to Disneyland and holy crap was it crowded!!!  I think after being there all day we rode 8 rides but the kids had a great time and at the end of the day that is all that matters.  Thursday morning my Dad flew in and Jackie and Jay went and got him while me and my mom started getting stuff ready for Thanksgiving dinner.  We had my uncle Bert and Aunt Sue and my cousin Deb and her kids come over for Thanksgiving dinner...it was so much fun!!!!  This was the first Thanksgiving we were able to have with Jackie and her family in such a long time and it was great.  One thing I have really learned from everything I have been through is spend time with those you love when you have the chance cause one day it will be too late.  Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!!!!